chapter thirty-four; derp derp.

Some things we don't talk about. Rather do without and just hold the smile. Falling in and out of love, ashamed and proud of, together all the while. I will be your guardian when all is crumbling, to steady your hand. We're pulling apart and coming together again and again. We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again. You can never say never, while we don't know when time, time, time again. Younger now than we were before ... don't let me go

When I woke up the next morning I was confused. The hospital lights were blinding me, the smell was making my stomach turn. My head felt like someone was continuously punching it. Above it all, I was starving.

I slightly panicked when I saw Brent wasn't lying beside me. I shook it off as the nurse came in and drugged me up. Suddenly, all the pain had vanished. Well, for a moment that is.

"Hey."

I look over at the door and see Jon standing there. Ugh the guilt was slowly falling over me. He got closer and I wouldn't even look at him. The tears started to form as I kept my eyes on my shaking hands.

"Ally, are you okay?"

"Jon, what are you doing with me?"

"What?"

"Why are you with me?"

"Cause, I've been in love with you for a year, and ... you finally became mine. Why?"

"Jon, I don't want to hurt you ..."

"Where is this coming from?" He replied with some anger in his voice, "What happened after I left Brent's house?"

A couple tears fell down my face and I was quick to wipe them away. Jon was staring at me with so much violence in his eyes. I didn't want to hurt him. He was the one that was there when Brent broke my heart. Twice may I add. Oh my god what was I doing?

"I just think ... I should be away from the both of you."

"But ..."

"I can't do this anymore. Jon, you know how I feel about him. I just don't want to hurt you."

"I know."

"What?"

"I took advantage of you, when you were depressed. I made you feel like I was the one you needed. I was hoping you'd maybe finally realize that, and I thought you had your heart set on me. But, I was wrong."

I was confused, I stared at him as my mouth lied open, "But, I don't ... what the hell?"

"You belong with him. He's finally realized what an asshole he's been. Ally, he loves you. You know what love can do to someone. Look how it made you for 3 months."

His hand ran over the scar on my wrist. I moved my hand away, quickly. I didn't need to be reminded of that. Jon leans over and kisses my forehead. The tears are clouding me up yet again. Jon was letting me go. This is not how I pictured it would happen, or feel like.

"Ally, just know, you always have a place in my heart. But, my mom always told me that if the girl loves someone more, you should let her go, and that's what I have to do. I just want you to be happy."

"But ..."

"Shh, don't say anything. I have to let you go."

He kissed my forehead again and left the room. I placed my face into my hands and began to sob hysterically. He let me go. It was what I wanted all along, but it was painful.